Alexander Terblanche: How to navigate a breakup without blame or drama

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Breaking up respectfully requires honest communication, avoiding blame, and giving space. Photo / 123rf
THREE KEY FACTS:
Alexander Terblanche is a couples’ therapist based in Auckland, and the relationship expert for matchmaking service Compatico
OPINION

Before you make any decisions about calling it quits on your relationship,
it can be a good idea to enlist an objective person. And if you do enlist a third party to help with making this decision, make sure you choose a sage person and one who is not invested in the outcome or is known for dramatics.

If your desire to leave is a reflection on communication dynamics, consider how willing both parties are to work on the relationship, and whether there have been successful attempts to resolve problems in the past.
If you decide to raise your concerns in the hope of “fixing things”, make sure you are equally committed to the repair job. If you feel like you are already “out”, it’s better to also be honest about this.
Once you have made the decision, try to get on with the task as soon as possible. If you can, be courageous and deliver the news face to face with straight-up compassionate honesty and clarity. Give clear reasons that focus on behaviours rather than personality. Be mindful not to sound critical.
Ideally the breakup should never come as a surprise to the other person. If you have been concerned about certain behaviours, it is ideal to mention these as soon as they become problematic for you, giving the other person a chance to work on them.
It’s also important to stay out of the blame game and to own your part of the story. No one is faultless in a relationship. Give your partner time to digest the news and express their feelings. They will heal faster if they also feel seen, heard and understood.
Don’t get caught in over-explaining or relitigating old arguments and try to stay out of the blame game. And avoid breaking up in the heat of the moment, when you are feeling emotionally dysregulated. A private setting and face-to-face is ideal.
First and foremost, think about how you would want to be on the receiving end of such news. Don’t be tempted to ghost; remember there is a person with feelings involved, and closure is important. Hard as it is to acknowledge or even see, you too will have played a role in the demise of your relationship.
And while it might feel comforting to keep the door open or the connection kindling, if there is none, don’t be tempted to raise false hopes or remain in sporadic contact post-breakup. Give each other space to process the rupture and the loss.
An unexpected breakup may cause shock, disbelief and grief. Your partner may become angry or try to convince you otherwise with denial of the issues, begging and pleading you to reconsider. You may also find yourself on the end of silent treatment, stonewalling or blaming and accusations.
In the interest of your wellbeing, take time to get clarity about your reasons for the breakup and when delivering your explanation, stick to the necessary facts and focus on behaviours but avoid unnecessary details that may hurt feelings.
If post-breakup you feel the urge to re-engage, ask yourself what’s motivating this desire. Is it to keep your options open, fill a sense of newly experienced loneliness, or are your intentions genuine. Sometimes lingering contact can make it harder for one party and it is unfair for this party to be entertaining an illusion of hope when there isn’t one.
As told to Sinead Corcoran Dye
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